Jonathan Tullett

Detox is going swimmingly. Slept more last night than I had the previous night, fewer waking times remembered – only five or six.

This morning I feel better, more stable, emotionally, but physically I’m shaking. Like, actual shakes. What the fuck?!

Today is day three. I caved on Sunday night and took zolpidem – I didn’t have much choice, faced with 3-4 hours of driving Monday morning, I needed to sleep – but I’ve so far avoided all benzo use (which, for the record, I’m prescribed.)

Yesterday, emotionally, was a write off. Had huge anxiety onset early afternoon and aside from a couple of times where it subsided for a short while, remained until I went to bed.

Last night I felt awake a lot but I only looked at the alarm clock the once – at 2am. Today I’m spacey and can feel an undercurrent of anxiety – though it’s not above manageable levels yet.

Today, so far, aside from one part, can go fuck itself in the arse. I’m tired, want to sleep, need to sleep, but physically can’t. I’m determined to persist with the detox, but it’s testing my resolve far more than I expected.

I’ve decided to cancel the Croatia trip. For many reasons.

Despite the whinging, there have been some really positive/happy things the last few days, but I can’t write about them, as much as I’d love to.

Last night I started my withdrawal from benzodiazapines and the z-class (zolpidem, zopiclone etc) drugs.

Words can not describe how shit I feel today. I had very fitful sleep, waking so many times I lost count, and I was only in bed for eight hours.

My head is foggy; I can not think quickly enough to even have the most basic of conversations with people. My body’s aching.

Strongly dislike. But it needs to be done.

Last night was therapy night, where I drive down to Hayes Priory and sit with Barry while he works his way to the root of my thought processes before starting work on reprogramming them.

I’ve not written much about what’s happened during the sessions because while I’m usually open about my life on this blog, the conclusions and what’s been worked on are far too close to my core being for me to be happy sharing. Sorry to disappoint.

Last night there wasn’t so much to talk about. I’ve been putting into action the cognitive reprogramming of the previous few weeks and I quite literally had nothing of relevance to talk about.

Instead we recapped the previous weeks’ information, and how I’ve been handling situations. While I said I’ve not been in the position where I’ve been challenged in ways which would normally invoke a calculated response/script, he questioned whether I’ve been handling situations better and thus not allowing them to get to the point they would normally become an issue.

Barry’s an insightful man.

We’re now working on me stopping therapy. My next few appointments will be at least two weeks apart, and we’ll take it from there, but Barry’s happy with how the cognitive reprogramming has been going.

One suggestion from Barry was that I would benefit from starting something at the Open University. Not computer / psychology related, but along the lines of creative writing. That would give me an outlet to continue to develop ways of viewing the world and situations.

What’s interesting, to me at least, is that while I’m now in possession of the toolkit necessary to handle situations where my anxiety levels can peak during the day, my sleep isn’t improving. In fact, it’s getting worse and I’ve found myself succumbing to the lure of zolpidem and, on occasions, alprazolam to get me to sleep.

I’ve been keeping my dose of lorazepam and mirtazapine stable (1mg and 45mg respectively), but I feel it’s becoming less effective. Now whether this is due to the tolerance onset of benzodiazpines, I don’t know – I’ve been on lorazepam for a number of months now, so it’s a possibility.

What’s the solution to this? ‘Fixing’ my internal day-time anxiety inducing mechanism doesn’t seem to be doing the trick. Am I heading down the path of permanent night time sleep aids? It’s not something which a thirty year old should need, but is it so bad to do so? Barry seems to think it is. Personally, I’m happy with taking the ‘z-class’ meds for life, whether Dr Broadhead agrees is another matter, and one which will be discussed this coming Monday.