Items will either need collecting from Orpington, BR6, or if they’re small enough, I’ll take them to work so they could be collected from the St Paul’s area.

Anyway, the list:

• NetASQ F50AV hardware firewall.
• Buffalo Linkstation (NAS) – 100Gb (I think) – Boots to Debian.
• Tesco digital bathroom scales (EB9002).
• Linksys WRT54g – with either Sveasoft or OpenWRT firmware.
• Linksys WRT54g – with either Sveasoft or OpenWRT firmware.
• Linksys WRT54g – with either Sveasoft or OpenWRT firmware.
• Linksys WAP11b – default firmware.
• Buffalo HD-HB250U2 250Gb USB2 external drive (has power block, needs lead to the block + USB A-B cable).
• Buffalo HD-HC250U2 250Gb USB2 external drive (has power block, needs lead to the block + USB A-B cable).
• BeBox Speedtouch ADSL2+ modem.
• APC AP9212 remote (IP) power switch.
• iPhone 3G 16G – unused, officially network unlocked. (£225)
• SPV M5000 Mobile phone – unused.
• GlobalSat Bluetooth GPS model: BT-338
• Canon Ixus 500 + spare battery. CF flap broke so a little tape holds it in place, otherwise fully working (need cable to battery charger, figure of eight power cord jobbie).
• Sipura SPA-2100 – POTS -> SIP adapter.
• Canon EOS 300V (film) SLR. Body only, rarely used.
• SCSI Ultra 320 36.6Gb (internal) HDD.
• PC Games: Doom 3, Unreal Tournament, HL2 EP1, Settlers 3, Dungeon Keeper 2.
• HP Deskjet 5552 printer. Unused for 4 years, but had been working.
• ‘Discrite’ 120ish CD holder.

There’s also my old desktop PC. It’s an AMD machine (can’t remember the chip, was very good at the time), has a Radeon 9600 GFX card, 1Gb RAM, Soundblaster Audigy Z2 card and breakout box, firewire, 802.11g PCI card, 160Gb hdd.

I’d stopped using it because it developed a fault: the machine would run for a period of time (sometimes an hour, sometimes many hours) then the screen would freeze and a continuous tone would emit from the machine. A reboot resolved. It’s possibly just because it needs a good clean on the inside (it’s very dusty) or perhaps there is a faulty component. Either way, I’ve no time or interest in identifying the fault so the machine’s free to someone who wants to collect it. It comes with the original Windows XP CD and license, but the HDD which was in the machine has been securely wiped, so it’ll need a fresh install. It comes with 5.1 surround sound speakers, but I have a vague memory one of the tweeters wasn’t working, so perhaps it’s 4.1? Again, drop me a mail if you’re interested in collecting.

They’d previously been planning on arriving the following Sunday, but decided to come a little earlier. Emma was especially looking forward to meeting Zachary for the first time as my second summer week with him coincided with the end part of their stay.

I collected Zachary on Saturday morning, and after brief introductions, I took him to Matt and CJ’s Annual BBQ Event where, despite the best efforts of the British Summer, we found ourselves in the pool (where Zachary’s going from strength to strength) and enjoying char-grilled food and great conversation.

We excused ourselves around 7pm; Zachary was desperate to come back and watch Toy Story with Emma. But due to a scheduling error, by the time the McCoys returned from dinner, Zachary was asleep upstairs and I had literally passed out on the sofa, where I remained most of the night.

Sunday was ‘Guys Night’. Melinda was a star and pretended to be the responsible adult and fed both Emma and Zachary and then watched with them the Toy Story films promised the previous day while Michael and I headed to Beckenham’s Odeon to see Piranha 3D.

Now, if a film set during Spring Break featuring a naked Kelly Brook and various other girls in 3D is your kind of movie, then you should absolutely go and see it. I laughed loudly throughout. And there’s breasts. In 3D. Perhaps the best ever use of 3D technology to date.

We came home nearing 9pm to find a wide awake Zachary had been convincing Melinda that I lay with him in bed, rub his back and sing nursery rhymes to him while he drifts off. And she’d obliged. Ha!

After putting on some classic Lee Evans, we listened to the constant chatter of small children ‘sleeping’ until far too late when eventually they crashed out. Late nights, we would discover, would start to feature regularly.

I’d been planning on spending some of my week with Zachary down in Brighton, and it didn’t take much convincing to make it a five-some for a two night stay in the city centre. Thankfully, given the weather arrangement over this last week, we choose the best days to be there – Monday through Wednesday.

We spent the days wandering the lanes, sauntering along the seaside and even spent a few hours in the funfair section at the end of the famous pier. The evenings we spent hunting food – fish and chips and Nando’s to be precise. At the latter, Zachary appreciated what I meant by ‘my mouth is on fire’ when he sampled the extra hot peri-peri sauce; ‘figuratively’ is now in his diction.

Before the rains descended, we bundled into the car back to Orpington and started to make plans for their imminent return to Austin which involved an interim trip to Heathrow Airport to pick up Jennifer who’d remained in Germany to spend more time with her family.

For the final meal, we six booked a table at Xi’an and ate a whole bunch of stuff: chicken satay, various spring rolls, chili chicken, lemon chicken, spicy fried steak, egg fried rice, bean sprouts and noodles and some wonton soup. All, as always, delicious. If you’re ever in town, I recommend booking in advance and you’re guaranteed a relaxed, tasty evening!

Come 7am Friday morning, Peter the taxi driver arrived, cases were loaded and the house was suddenly much quieter than it had been in a while. Zachary and I went back up to bed for a couple of hours and then I started the process of reverting the house back to its usual state: moving the camp beds to the garage, packing away the extra duvets. It was an emotional and draining day.

I loved having the house full again, especially with Zachary here too. Maybe if they move to the UK next summer, something more permanent would be established. Who knows.

• Having my email pushed to me as soon as it arrives.
• Being able to view and post to my Facebook account from anywhere.
• Having Twitter at my fingertips, complete with geo-location.
• Maps, complete with turn by turn directions where ever I am.
• Google Voice integration so SMS and calls to my US based friends are as easy to use as my normal (UK originating) SMS and calls.

Some features I don’t use so much: web browsing or other media heavy applications.

I also understand that having this flexibility must come at a price, both in terms of handset cost and battery life. But having to charge your handset more than once a day if you make a couple of (short) calls or send a few sms messages is an absolute fucking joke.

Perhaps I should dig out my trusty Nokia 3210 so I know I’ll at least be able to make calls long after my Desire has gone.

The first night I passed out on the sofa at 8pm, waking briefly around midnight to drag myself upstairs to bed and then slept soundly until my alarm roused me for work. The lingering cold/fluey feelings I’d had for a couple of weeks cleared up within 48 hours having made a marked improvement within the first couple of hours. Some pain I’d been experiencing in my joints, which I hadn’t attributed to withdrawal went too.

Subsequently, I’ve altered my bedtime routine again. Now, rather than taking meds when I get into bed, I take them before and only retire to my room when I can feel the effects. This has had the advantage of stopping me laying in bed for an hour – getting increasingly stressed – trying to get to sleep; now I’m out within five to ten minutes.

I’ve learned a few things during this episode, but most importantly I’ve learnt that sometimes will power isn’t enough to make things happen, no matter now determined you are. And that it’s OK to ask for help.

I’ve felt coldy/fluy all week, haven’t been sleeping without reintroduction of previously removed drugs, anxiety’s up, stress, bleugh. Not worth it.

Good experiment, but I think I’ll be staying on this for a while longer.

Full disclosure: while I’m not doing this ‘against medical advice’, it’s also not ‘with medical guidance’; I’ve not spoken to my psychiatrist. We were going to start my transition off the drug next month, but you know me, I like to do things on my terms; this may not have been my best idea though.

Last week I decided I didn’t want to take mirtazapine any more. So I stopped; went from 45mg/day to 0 overnight. I had been on it since February 2010. Why did I want to stop? I hate feeling not in control, being dependent on something external; the same reason I went through the process with my other meds.

Sleep was good after I stopped. I slept for 5 full nights (waking once or twice a night) before I was feeling tired enough (read: exhausted) to warrant a zopiclone, which I took Thursday. I woke on Friday feeling fully refreshed. Friday night was a return to good sleep.

Saturday night I succumbed again to zopiclone and zolpidem when that failed. This was due to me being what I call ‘mentally aroused’ – very mentally stimulated when I went to bed – and I had Zachary that evening and thus needed to sleep.

I’ve noticed, however, that I’ve been feeling far more emotional the last two or three days. Nothing huge, just an undercurrent of unhappiness and moodiness. It came to a head last night when talking to Emma in Austin; I had to log off because I was suddenly about to cry. A huge wave of emotion flooded over me, crying, sad, depressed, longing. And then my anxiety suddenly sky-rocketed. I needed to take my first anti-anxiety med – alprazolam – in four months.

This morning I woke up feeling very down. Not a regular Monday blues, but a feeling I haven’t experienced in a decade. I didn’t want to get out of bed (and I’m a morning person these days), the idea of work filled me with dread, very lethargic.

This was coupled with nasty stomach cramps and associated upset which persisted most of the morning, subsided, then reappeared this afternoon. I was also treated to another anxious episode this afternoon, one which I couldn’t aid with medication as I hadn’t any in my possession.

My appetite is also reduced (not that that’s a bad thing, I’d like to lose the 10kg I gained when I went on the mirtazapine).

It’s pointing heavily toward these being ‘sudden withdrawal’ symptoms. From wikipedia (therefore it must be true, but backed up by papers on pubmed):
‘Effects of sudden cessation of treatment with mirtazapine may include depression, anxiety, panic attacks, vertigo, restlessness, irritability, decreased appetite or anorexia, insomnia, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, flu-like symptoms such as allergies or pruritus, headache or migraine, and sometimes hypomania or mania’.

Things are at a manageable level at the moment, but I need to keep an eye on the symptoms, especially the anxiety, as I do not want a complete relapse to my state earlier in the year. If necessary I will call Dr Broadhead, but at the moment, I don’t think I need to at the moment.

Zachary gave Melissa her birthday present when we arrived, and despite it being five days early, she was allowed to open it. Much to Zachary’s joy, she asked him for help. We’d got her the HappyLand Sunflower School, to go with some other HappyLand items she’d received previously. Judging by the grin on her face as she pushed the people down the slide, she was happy with our choice.

During the week, we’d been deciding what we’d do when we met up. Something for the kids to enjoy was the prime motivator, so Lorraine recommended Woodside Farm which as well as having farm animals is also home to a leisure park and mini-zoo.

We arrived, purchased some food for the animals and started wandering around looking at the animals. Both Zachary and Melissa fed the llamas, sheep and goats, though Melissa did like a little encouragement and often asked for me to hold her while she was holding her hands out. Thankfully in this farm/zoo – unlike in Menorca – the llamas didn’t spit on me!

Before lunch, we headed to the ‘Animal Encounters’ shed where a couple of the staff showed – and allowed us to touch or hold – a two day old chick, a chinchilla, a corn snake and an eagle owl. Lots of fun!

After a quick lunch, we all took a tractor ride around the farm, Melissa excitedly sitting on my lap and bouncing up and down and with Zachary waving to everyone, and all the animals, as we trundled round. When the tractor came to a halt, Zachary insisted we go to the park, while they both munched on ice-creams.

A fun feature of the farm is the number of brightly painted old tractors they have embedded in the floor. Here, anyone can go up and clamber all over them, onto the engines if they wish (which have been sealed against little fingers), or just in the seats and turn with big steering wheels.

The lure of the funfair soon proved too much for us, and soon we were all sliding super-fast down the helter skelter and going round the carousel, and spinning in tea-cups to traditional fair ground music! Both Zachary and Melissa caught ducks and won prizes of balloons (which I then tied to annoying places on the pushchair) and bounced away on the trampolines.

By this time, the park was literally empty, apart from us, so we quickly saw the remaining animals – some pigs, sheep and the poultry – and then, as it was getting chilly, headed back to the car to go home. On the walk back, I managed to end up with Zachary on my shoulders and Melissa in my arms; quite a sight.

Back at Lorraine’s the kids had a yummy dinner and then Zachary and I set off home, exhausted. I hope there will be many more days like that in our future!

Someone said to me recently that insanity is repeating the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome.

I keep straying from my diet; I keep reintroducing foods which I know I’m intolerant of (or which have an ingredient I’m known intolerant of) because I’m optimistic that suddenly my body’s become tolerant of it and my diet will become, once more, enjoyable to live with.

Every time I’m bitch-slapped into submission again. Every single time. But I keep trying.

Does that make me insane? Is optimism – because that’s what I believe drives it – therefore a sign of insanity?

While on holiday with Zachary – a trip which is yet to be written up – I halved my dose of zolpidem, reducing from 10 to 5mg/night. The first few days I struggled to get to sleep, but as I was on holiday there was no rush or stress and I slowly became accustomed to it.

Then this Friday I removed the final 5mg zolpidem. Thursday I slept very well. Friday and Saturday’s sleep were terrible, due to having acute tonsillitis. Sunday and then again last night were very good, sleeping for 10 and 8.5 hours respectively; and only waking the once.

I’ve been going to bed later than I usually do – around midnight – as that’s when I’ve been tired. I expect my cycle to change to an early bed/early wake when I start work next week, but until then, I’m happy with late nights.

I can’t emphasise how good this is: Between July last year and five days ago, I either didn’t sleep much, or I had to be heavily medicated to sleep. I have now had two consecutive good night’s sleep, waking a similar number of times as people who sleep ‘normally’. I’m seeing Dr Broadhead tomorrow, I think he’ll be happy with this progress; he was concerned I’d gained a dependency on these meds.

So it just leaves me on 45mg mirtazapine, which I’m happy to stay on for the time being.

I don’t fall for the Correlation does not imply causation line of thinking often, but on Thursday I finally severed all ties with my previous employer. Suddenly I’m able to sleep. Coincidence?

This morning I feel better, more stable, emotionally, but physically I’m shaking. Like, actual shakes. What the fuck?!