Jonathan Tullett

I go through phases of analysing my thought processes and personality traits. It’s an interesting process.

Something I’ve been aware of, vaguely, for some time are my obsessive thought patterns. I would go through brief periods of extreme focus on subjects, almost to the exclusion of all other thoughts – it would affect my ability to conduction relationships, work (except when it’s work related), and even make sure I’m looking after myself (eating properly etc).

Since I’ve been living alone, the distractions which would previously have jolted me out of the mode (or more precisely, wouldn’t allow me to continue) aren’t there. Because of this I’ve been having more frequent and longer bouts of these compulsive thought patterns. I don’t like it.

The most unsettling aspect though, is that I can’t think of a way to stop it. I don’t know when they’re going to start, when they’ve started they need to run their course, and when they’ve finished I end up waiting for the cycle to start.

Having more distractions could be one way, but that feels like using chewing gum to stop smoking – what happens when there’s no gum? I want a more permanent solution.

I’ve toyed with the idea of getting a house mate, but I crave my own space and don’t know I would be a particularly great person to live with. I definitely wouldn’t want to get someone in, find I didn’t like it, and be stuck sharing for 6 months. Nightmare.

So what to do? Can any of you lot identify with this? If so, how do you keep it manageable?

A week and a half has passed since I started on an ambitious mission to make some changes in my life. Here’s how I’ve been doing…

Be optimistic: Over the last ten days, I’ve not been as consistent as I was over the first three. A lot of things are changing at home and I don’t always remember this pledge when I’m under pressure. On general day to day things, I’ve been much happier though.

Stop biting my nails: I have between 1 and 2mm nail growth on every finger and on both thumbs! I’ve been filing them down if they chip, and I’m continuing to coat them with fresh Diamond Strength nail hardener. With regular moisturising too, the dry skin around my cuticles is reducing, and over all my hands and nails are much improved!

Cut refined sugars from my diet: There have been three instances where I’ve deliberately consumed sweets/cakes in the last week. The first was a small slice of potato cake for my Mum’s birthday. I baked it, so that’s allowed. The second was an ice-cream on Saturday with Zachary; that’s allowed because he’s cute. The third, for which I have no excuse, was a single mint Tic Tac on Tuesday evening. The cravings are less than I was expecting, and I’ve not had any stabby-stabby-give-me-a-kitkat days since day two!

Read more about GTD: The audio book is on my iPhone, but I can’t get the damn iPhone working with headphones. Until I get that working, I can’t listen on the way to work. I am using OmniFocus to record my workload though, and help me focus on what needs to be done, so I consider that progress.

Resume regular training: Training is going well, I had two sessions last week and I’m on track to have three this. I bench pressed 55kg on Monday (12 reps) too; while it may not seem much, I was chuffed!

Stop externalising insecurities: I am becoming more aware of my insecurities clouding my thought processes, and when I’m seeing that happening, I’ve been discarding and conclusions I’ve come to during that time. This is a good base from which I can develop. This item can almost be paired with the being optimistic, but as it’s working towards a core belief change rather than an outlook change, I’ll keep them separate.

Conclusion: Excluding certain external events, I’m feeling happier, I’m delighted about my nails, my diet’s improving and I”m enjoying the time I spend at the gym. I think that’s an all-round win so far.

It’s been two days since I posted the blog about the six areas I’m looking at making improvements in, but three days since I’ve been actively working on them. I’m thinking of reviewing these every week, and I’ll most likely do so from this point on. But for now, an update so far.

How have things been going? Well…

Be optimistic: This is proving thus far to be easier than I was expecting. I’ve been able to catch the instances where I’ve started being consumed with negative thoughts, and on every one, there’s been something positive which has left me either smiling or happy.

Stop biting my nails: I’ve smoothed my fingers and nails with a pumice and an emery board and also put on some nail hardening solution. I’m also using a punice to remove any rough cuticle edges which would previously have resulted in me biting them. I’ve caught myself starting to bite my fingers just 3 times, and each time was within a few seconds of starting. Already the painful areas around my cuticals are healing nicely and are no longer sore. I”m delighted with how well this one is going.

Cut refined sugars from my diet: This isn’t so easy. I’ve not ‘fallen off the wagon’ so to speak, but I’m close to killing for a Kitkat! I’m easing the feelings by snacking on fruit and nuts (no, not the chocolate bar) and by telling myself that the cravings prove just how bad this stuff is for you. If it’s like last time, then I’m expecting these cravings to last for another three to four months. Aarrggh!

Read more about GTD: I’m reviewing another couple of applications, and I”m going to install David Allen’s seminar onto my iPod so I can listen to it on the way to work, other than that, no movement.

Resume regular training: Resumed on Monday. Am planning going today, and probably again on Thurday or Friday. I’m adding more cardio into the mix rather than just purely weight lifting as I want to increase stamina and endurance.

Stop externalising insecurities: There’s an awful lot involved in this. Initially I’m writing down thoughts, feelings and reasons for the feelings when they crop up. Once I accurately know the triggers, and the sources of the feelings, I can start work on reframing my belief system to minimise/eliminate them. For now, it’s just writing things down, but at start has been made.

So small moves forward across the board. I think I’ll celebrate with a bar of chocolate, a small bite of my finger nails and ten minutes of thinking crap about myself. Or perhaps not.

Some things I’d like to work on over the coming months:

1. Be optimistic
I’m a very pessimistic person, the main benefit of which is that I’m rarely disappointed as I tend to expect the worst anyway. However, the downsides are many and the primary one which afflicts me is an immediate mood downer regarding the situation involved.

As someone who’s been afflicted with bouts of depression over the last 15 years or so, this probably isn’t a very good outlook on life.

In a book I read recently, the author wrote about an experiment whereby for every negative thought he had, it would attempt to find something uplifting about it. It took 2 months of conscious thought, and then the process started becoming automatic.

It’s an interesting experiment to try anyway.

2. Stop biting my nails
Apart from a period of six months when I was fourteen, I have bitten my nails; and when there’s no nail left, the fingers. I do this out of habit, but I believe it stems from (or is triggered by) stress. The result is not very pleasing to the eye, and as is the case tonight, pain too.

So I want to stop biting my nails. This is going to be tough, and I’m not going to be able to use any aids either, as I quite like the taste of them (I tried before). The end goal should be enough bait for my will power though, so I’m confident.

3. Cut refined sugars from my diet
12 months before Zachary was born, I cut refined sugars from my diet. This was a huge challenge as I have an exceedingly sweet tooth, and after 4 months of cravings they finally went away.

Unfortunately with the birth of my wonderful son, my energy reserves were so depleted that I resorted to sugary snacks to give me an energy boost. This has continued since, and I’m now consuming at least as much, if not more, sugar than I was previously.

I’d like to stop it again. I’d like to stop eating sweets, sweet puddings, chocolate (mmMm, chocolate…), and cakes. I remember how much better I felt last time I tried, once the initial three weeks of exhaustion passed, and I’d like to feel that good again.

The only exception I will make to this rule is that I’ll eat cakes I make myself, or others have made. As I’m baking a fair bit, I need to be able to taste my creations before I inflict them on others; and if others have been baking, it would be rude to say no when offered.

4. Read more about GTD…
…and fully integrate it into my daily workflow.

I’ve dabbled with different methods of managing my todo lists, but after a few weeks (or in most cases, a few days), they fall by the wayside, and I try using my inbox again, or attempt to remember what needs to be done. This always fails.

GTD is appealing due to its simplicity. The program I’ve been using, OmniFocus is exceptionally good, and once they’ve finished the syncronisation between instances (so the same todo list appears on my work copy and my home copy), I’ll be in a better position to use it for work and personal stuff. The promised features in the iPhone version will make it perfect for carrying around with me too.

I dabbled with it about a year ago, but never got to grips with it completely. I want to get the workflow part of my life under control.

5. Resume regular training
Over the last couple of months, due to holidays and other events, my training frequency has diminished. I want to start training at least three times a week with the aim of improving my overall fitness.

6. Stop externalising insecurities
Externalising insecurities causes problems within relationships. I’ve allowed mine to have negative effects on enough of my relationships to cause, in some cases, irrepairable damage. This has to stop, else maintaining existing relationships and building new ones is going to be harder than it is already. I’m especially mindful of my relationship with Zachary here.

I’m not sure how to tackle this one yet, though I’m sure that ‘loving myself’ (no snickering at the back!) will be a big part of it, probably along with adjusting some of my core beliefs. Ideally I’d like them to be resolved rather than just contained, so that’s the end goal here.

So those are my current goals. Some will be far easier to accomplish than others, but if I can make some headway in all of them, I’ll feel like I’ve achieved something.