The first night I passed out on the sofa at 8pm, waking briefly around midnight to drag myself upstairs to bed and then slept soundly until my alarm roused me for work. The lingering cold/fluey feelings I’d had for a couple of weeks cleared up within 48 hours having made a marked improvement within the first couple of hours. Some pain I’d been experiencing in my joints, which I hadn’t attributed to withdrawal went too.

Subsequently, I’ve altered my bedtime routine again. Now, rather than taking meds when I get into bed, I take them before and only retire to my room when I can feel the effects. This has had the advantage of stopping me laying in bed for an hour – getting increasingly stressed – trying to get to sleep; now I’m out within five to ten minutes.

I’ve learned a few things during this episode, but most importantly I’ve learnt that sometimes will power isn’t enough to make things happen, no matter now determined you are. And that it’s OK to ask for help.

I’ve felt coldy/fluy all week, haven’t been sleeping without reintroduction of previously removed drugs, anxiety’s up, stress, bleugh. Not worth it.

Good experiment, but I think I’ll be staying on this for a while longer.

Full disclosure: while I’m not doing this ‘against medical advice’, it’s also not ‘with medical guidance’; I’ve not spoken to my psychiatrist. We were going to start my transition off the drug next month, but you know me, I like to do things on my terms; this may not have been my best idea though.

Last week I decided I didn’t want to take mirtazapine any more. So I stopped; went from 45mg/day to 0 overnight. I had been on it since February 2010. Why did I want to stop? I hate feeling not in control, being dependent on something external; the same reason I went through the process with my other meds.

Sleep was good after I stopped. I slept for 5 full nights (waking once or twice a night) before I was feeling tired enough (read: exhausted) to warrant a zopiclone, which I took Thursday. I woke on Friday feeling fully refreshed. Friday night was a return to good sleep.

Saturday night I succumbed again to zopiclone and zolpidem when that failed. This was due to me being what I call ‘mentally aroused’ – very mentally stimulated when I went to bed – and I had Zachary that evening and thus needed to sleep.

I’ve noticed, however, that I’ve been feeling far more emotional the last two or three days. Nothing huge, just an undercurrent of unhappiness and moodiness. It came to a head last night when talking to Emma in Austin; I had to log off because I was suddenly about to cry. A huge wave of emotion flooded over me, crying, sad, depressed, longing. And then my anxiety suddenly sky-rocketed. I needed to take my first anti-anxiety med – alprazolam – in four months.

This morning I woke up feeling very down. Not a regular Monday blues, but a feeling I haven’t experienced in a decade. I didn’t want to get out of bed (and I’m a morning person these days), the idea of work filled me with dread, very lethargic.

This was coupled with nasty stomach cramps and associated upset which persisted most of the morning, subsided, then reappeared this afternoon. I was also treated to another anxious episode this afternoon, one which I couldn’t aid with medication as I hadn’t any in my possession.

My appetite is also reduced (not that that’s a bad thing, I’d like to lose the 10kg I gained when I went on the mirtazapine).

It’s pointing heavily toward these being ‘sudden withdrawal’ symptoms. From wikipedia (therefore it must be true, but backed up by papers on pubmed):
‘Effects of sudden cessation of treatment with mirtazapine may include depression, anxiety, panic attacks, vertigo, restlessness, irritability, decreased appetite or anorexia, insomnia, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, flu-like symptoms such as allergies or pruritus, headache or migraine, and sometimes hypomania or mania’.

Things are at a manageable level at the moment, but I need to keep an eye on the symptoms, especially the anxiety, as I do not want a complete relapse to my state earlier in the year. If necessary I will call Dr Broadhead, but at the moment, I don’t think I need to at the moment.

Someone said to me recently that insanity is repeating the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome.

I keep straying from my diet; I keep reintroducing foods which I know I’m intolerant of (or which have an ingredient I’m known intolerant of) because I’m optimistic that suddenly my body’s become tolerant of it and my diet will become, once more, enjoyable to live with.

Every time I’m bitch-slapped into submission again. Every single time. But I keep trying.

Does that make me insane? Is optimism – because that’s what I believe drives it – therefore a sign of insanity?

While on holiday with Zachary – a trip which is yet to be written up – I halved my dose of zolpidem, reducing from 10 to 5mg/night. The first few days I struggled to get to sleep, but as I was on holiday there was no rush or stress and I slowly became accustomed to it.

Then this Friday I removed the final 5mg zolpidem. Thursday I slept very well. Friday and Saturday’s sleep were terrible, due to having acute tonsillitis. Sunday and then again last night were very good, sleeping for 10 and 8.5 hours respectively; and only waking the once.

I’ve been going to bed later than I usually do – around midnight – as that’s when I’ve been tired. I expect my cycle to change to an early bed/early wake when I start work next week, but until then, I’m happy with late nights.

I can’t emphasise how good this is: Between July last year and five days ago, I either didn’t sleep much, or I had to be heavily medicated to sleep. I have now had two consecutive good night’s sleep, waking a similar number of times as people who sleep ‘normally’. I’m seeing Dr Broadhead tomorrow, I think he’ll be happy with this progress; he was concerned I’d gained a dependency on these meds.

So it just leaves me on 45mg mirtazapine, which I’m happy to stay on for the time being.

I don’t fall for the Correlation does not imply causation line of thinking often, but on Thursday I finally severed all ties with my previous employer. Suddenly I’m able to sleep. Coincidence?

This morning I feel better, more stable, emotionally, but physically I’m shaking. Like, actual shakes. What the fuck?!

Yesterday, emotionally, was a write off. Had huge anxiety onset early afternoon and aside from a couple of times where it subsided for a short while, remained until I went to bed.

Last night I felt awake a lot but I only looked at the alarm clock the once – at 2am. Today I’m spacey and can feel an undercurrent of anxiety – though it’s not above manageable levels yet.

Today, so far, aside from one part, can go fuck itself in the arse. I’m tired, want to sleep, need to sleep, but physically can’t. I’m determined to persist with the detox, but it’s testing my resolve far more than I expected.

I’ve decided to cancel the Croatia trip. For many reasons.

Despite the whinging, there have been some really positive/happy things the last few days, but I can’t write about them, as much as I’d love to.

Words can not describe how shit I feel today. I had very fitful sleep, waking so many times I lost count, and I was only in bed for eight hours.

My head is foggy; I can not think quickly enough to even have the most basic of conversations with people. My body’s aching.

Strongly dislike. But it needs to be done.

I’ve not written much about what’s happened during the sessions because while I’m usually open about my life on this blog, the conclusions and what’s been worked on are far too close to my core being for me to be happy sharing. Sorry to disappoint.

Last night there wasn’t so much to talk about. I’ve been putting into action the cognitive reprogramming of the previous few weeks and I quite literally had nothing of relevance to talk about.

Instead we recapped the previous weeks’ information, and how I’ve been handling situations. While I said I’ve not been in the position where I’ve been challenged in ways which would normally invoke a calculated response/script, he questioned whether I’ve been handling situations better and thus not allowing them to get to the point they would normally become an issue.

Barry’s an insightful man.

We’re now working on me stopping therapy. My next few appointments will be at least two weeks apart, and we’ll take it from there, but Barry’s happy with how the cognitive reprogramming has been going.

One suggestion from Barry was that I would benefit from starting something at the Open University. Not computer / psychology related, but along the lines of creative writing. That would give me an outlet to continue to develop ways of viewing the world and situations.

What’s interesting, to me at least, is that while I’m now in possession of the toolkit necessary to handle situations where my anxiety levels can peak during the day, my sleep isn’t improving. In fact, it’s getting worse and I’ve found myself succumbing to the lure of zolpidem and, on occasions, alprazolam to get me to sleep.

I’ve been keeping my dose of lorazepam and mirtazapine stable (1mg and 45mg respectively), but I feel it’s becoming less effective. Now whether this is due to the tolerance onset of benzodiazpines, I don’t know – I’ve been on lorazepam for a number of months now, so it’s a possibility.

What’s the solution to this? ‘Fixing’ my internal day-time anxiety inducing mechanism doesn’t seem to be doing the trick. Am I heading down the path of permanent night time sleep aids? It’s not something which a thirty year old should need, but is it so bad to do so? Barry seems to think it is. Personally, I’m happy with taking the ‘z-class’ meds for life, whether Dr Broadhead agrees is another matter, and one which will be discussed this coming Monday.

It’s making me think and consider things I’ve never thought or considered before, and it’s attacking – in a good way – the foundations of my thinking and outlook on life. This is one of the most challenging adventures of my personal life and it has a real potential to change some things for the better.