Today’s route took me to my father’s house and back. It was two legged, with a two hour break in the middle.
As usual, click the chart to view the route:
Mar 21 2010
Anxiety
I’ll open with the first verse of lyrics from the Black Eyed Peas song, Anxiety:
I feel like I wanna smack somebody
Turn around and bitch slap somebody (bitch)
But I ain't goin' out bro (no, no, no)
I ain't givin' into it (no, no, no)
Anxieties bash my mind in
Terrorizing my soul like Bin Laden
But I ain't fallin' down bro (no, no, no)
I won't lose control bro (no, no, no)
Shackle and chained
My soul feels stained
I can't explain got an itch on my brain
Lately my whole aim is to maintain
And regain control of my mainframe
My bloods boiling its beatin' out propane
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train
I'm in a fast car drivin' in a fast lane
In the rain and I'm might just hydroplane
That’s a good explanation of the feelings I associate with anxiety, apart from the ‘bitch slapping’ part, anyway.
One definition of the word is: ‘An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness or concern about some uncertain event; An uneasy or distressing desire (for something); A state of restlessness and agitation, often accompanied by a distressing sense of oppression or tightness in the stomach’ (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/anxiety)
It’s usual to experience anxiety. Moving house, job insecurity, expecting imminent bad new, and this experience is normal – everyone should have the experience and everyone should be able to deal with it.
It becomes a problem when there’s no obvious reason for the anxiety and it starts to pervade your every day life. This is what’s been happening with me recently, and what part of what I’ve been working thorough with Dr Broadhead.
I thought I would write a little about the symptoms I experience and how they affect me. This may, if you know me personally, help you to help me.
The symptoms of my anxiety are:
- Thoughts turn repetitive, mind races
- heart races
- Agitation, can’t sit still or focus
- Body shakes, shivers
- I want everyone away; need personal space.
- Need to be alone
These don’t occur all at once, thankfully, though 1+2+3 is common and 1+2+3+4 has occurred a couple of times (which I define as ‘panic’). All of these are eased by lorazepam and taking it daily improves things hugely, but sometimes it doesn’t completely help. When this is the case, the usual remaining symptoms are 3 + (5 or 6).
The needing personal space and the need to be alone were experienced for the first time while in Liverpool, and I called on my wonderful friend Mark for advice. His reply was short and to the point: “It’s normal, and non-suffers have difficulty understanding.”
I’ve been shying away from large groups of people and this was pushed while away what with it being Saint Patrick’s Day and Liverpool having a large Irish contingent. It was a struggle and I eventually gave in and headed back to the hotel to sleep.
For the ‘helping you help me’ bit above: if you’re out and about with me and I’m exhibiting any of the above or suddenly leave, please do not take it personally, it just means I’ve found myself in a state I’m unable to manage and I want to be alone.
The theory on the treatment I’m doing is that a combination of medication and behaviour therapy should sort everything out. It’ll take time, but I’m getting there.
