Jan 20 2010

A tired mind

Category: health — jkt @ 20:29

I saw the doctor again today and she made me fill out a ‘depression questionaire’. She was confused by the results because she’s not used to someone having none of the feelings associated with depression but who has the other symptoms (sleeplessness etc). She’s requested bloods to test for (unlikely) thyroid conditions.

I’ve been given some propranolol to help with the anxiety, which has been getting a little worse, and, having warned me off the possibility of addiction, Doc has prescribed me more zopiclone.

When I said about going back to work next week, she immediately said she didn’t think it was a good idea and signed me off for another two weeks.

Meanwhile I’ve an appointment lined up with the Orpington based shrinks next Thursday where we’ll see what hope there is for me :)

With a dentist visit tomorrow morning and a gastro visit next Thursday morning, it’s a week of action in BR6.

Jan 08 2010

An evening with a small (but growing) thing

Category: children,day to day — jkt @ 19:47

Today has been great. The cleaner came and sorted the whole place out. I picked Zachary up around 3pm having been able to tidy his room, and we’ve been playing and relaxing since.

We built houses, played with Toy Story stuff, talked about many things, ate food and watched Disney’s Antz.

Then at bedtime as we snuggled under the duvet, with the lights out, for a chat about the day, Zachary wanted to tell me a story.

It was a story about a Princess who knew how to stroke elephants and giraffes. She used to go riding on the elephant and had lots of fun. That was the end of the story.

For all the times I’ve complained about how hard it can be with him, it’s moments like that which make it all worthwhile. He really is a beautiful, intelligent little boy, and I love him with all my heart.

Jan 07 2010

An updated beautiful mind

Category: health — jkt @ 21:13

I saw the doctor today.

He doesn’t believe, like I suspected, that I’m depressed, just that I’m suffering from anxiety. This is based purely on my reaction to the anti-dep/anxiety medication.

He’s not happy with me chewing pills constantly to resolve the issue (basically being in a sedated state) so is referring me for some behavioural therapy. Meanwhile, I’m to continue with the meds.

Regarding the off-days with zopiclone, those are to stop. This is only a temporary measure until I get the referral, but is less for me to worry about – insomnia is nasty.

But now I have a battle with Bupa, who are saying depression is a pre-existing condition (from a spell eight years ago!) and as anxiety and depression are often linked they don’t want to cover me. I have work and my doctor on the case, so I hope that’ll be resolved quickly.

Jan 07 2010

A beautiful mind

Category: health — jkt @ 12:38

Haven’t been feeling too great since just before Christmas, when I went to the doctor complaining of an inability to sleep through the night for the last four months or so.

We talked a length about what was going on in my life: personal issues, work troubles etc and she suggested I’m showing classic signs of depression. I strongly disagreed, and left the surgery with some temporary medication, intended to help me sleep.

It didn’t. And less than a week later I went back to discuss other options. I was decided 20mg citalopram to treat the anxiety and depression was in order, along with 7.5mg zopiclone to aid sleep.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. I forgot the citalopram for 3 days while in Austin, and on the 3rd day I was a wreck, uncontrollable emotional feelings, terrible anxiety, absolutely horrible. It coincided with being my last day, which didn’t help. I took the pills and a short while after, relaxed.

The zopiclone is supposed to be a 5 days on 2 days off deal, but I went for a day off last night and got complete insomnia. At 2am I caved and took a pill, then another at 5 when I still wasn’t sleeping. I woke at 11am feeling happy and refreshed.

Emma‘s been such help for me through this. It’s difficult to express in words how much it means to me to know she’s there. But I definitely need to get the underlying problem resolved, as I don’t want to be leaning on anyone, but especially a new relationship, for long.

I’m a very strong person and am not enjoying this lack of control over my emotions and anxiety levels. I’m now doubting my decision to go onto the anti-deps and the zopiclone as I consider my mental state to be worse than it was before. I’ll speak to the doctor about it today.

Jan 06 2010

Home.

Category: travel — jkt @ 21:26

Home (arrived yesterday), after a superb Christmas and new year.

Luggage is still in transit, so I’m recycling the same clothes as when I travelled home. Smelly :)

Hoping the weather improves so Emma’s inbound flight is on time on Saturday morning, and that so I can drive to collect her from the airport.

Jan 02 2010

Out with the old; in with the new!

Category: day to day,parties,relationships — jkt @ 00:24

NYE was a quiet affair, spending a couple of hours at the McCoy household, talking about nudity and group hugs among other things.

Just as we were saying goodbye, Little Emma (Michael’s 7y/o daughter), said to me, ‘You are going to marry her, aren’t you?’. While technically a question, there was definitely a demand in her tone – I think she approves :)

We departed shortly after 1am only to be contacted Marianne (Emma’s BFF) from Party#2 with her saying she was going to bed – party over. That was a disappointment for us all – Emma, because she wanted to see her for NY, and me because I was looking forward to meeting the girl I’ve heard so much about. But we’ll arrange it for another time – perhaps tonight?

So we headed home, and both fell asleep on the sofa around 4am watching Dude, where’s my car?. We woke briefly and stumbled into the bedroom for a further seven hours of snuggley slumber.

After dropping Emma at work, my sauntering to the sweetie shop and restaurant hit a snag – both closed! Argh! So to the petrol station it was, then back to the flat.

Right now I’m meant to be packing, but instead I’m procrastinating and writing this post. If I start packing, it’ll feel like the end (of this trip) is getting near, and I don’t want that. At all.